Ever Forward by Kristin Andress

It’s been a while since my last blog and a lot of life has happened. My mom died. That’s a lot of life. Enough of it for a while. However, it occurs to me as I write this, that living is continuous until it simply is not. Though as we are still alive, we continue.

As I said in her less than conventional eulogy (as she would expect of me), there is much gain in loss if only we choose to see it. I do choose to see it – the gain in perspective, relationships, memories, appreciation, not waiting, being in the now…much more.

As someone suffers, so do we. There is not a reason I understand about suffering. Don’t quote the Bible to me. I’ve read it. Suffering is mean and angry and there is no ‘why’ or rationale to explain it. But when it is gone, there is peace and wholeness. It goes away for the person who physically experiences it, and it does not need to stay for the people who emotionally are fatigued from it. Do not let the idea or the attention of trauma guide you. It’s not about you. I think about children and parents, and long-term care providers and patients, and I see heroism in a new light. This is where I will invest my legacy.

There’s no one way to be in grief and loss. There is a way to be in hope and love. I decide– and I wish this for you–to not be stuck in what was, but to create what is now and can be. Does the missing of someone lessen? Yes actually, because it is reframed as breath, not death. Does it still hurt? Yes, to that too, but it doesn’t have to stop me – or you.

I’ve slept in her bed and driven her car and cried in the chair she died in. I’ve awakened with the memory of administering medications, seeing her rest, and knowing she was short on our earth. I’ve been on Zoom calls when I had it together until someone said a nice word, and then I didn’t. My dog ran off and I freaked, but the beautiful people searching found her and she is home, safe and becoming content again with a new way.

For the first time, I felt scared of life. What a unique feeling. I have always embraced change, and new people, places and experiences. I was empowered to crave experiencing as much as I can, as often as possible. And for a few years of life, that was placed on hold. I was with mom. A holding pattern I would not alter and with no sacrifice whatsoever.

Now that I get why I was here, I have only a few regrets. Being impatient. Uttering un-niceties under my breath. Pushing a little hard with my own opinions. Asking her to get up and move, and not recognizing the extent of the pain. That I was away for a few of her last days, and I did not need to be.

Take heed of your daily interactions and decisions. Let the good ones follow you. Leave the rest where it should just rest. Her last meal was a hot dog. She asked for a hot dog. She loved hot dogs. I choose to smile on that.

I loved seeing her walk through the hall and say ‘hello’ while I awaited her for a morning greeting. Her coffee ready, phone at her seat, her favorite fresh ice water waiting. My day may have started hours earlier, but it didn’t really begin until she safely arose to another one…and then another…and then none. We created many special memories together. The list is long with Vegas and Cabo and Chicago and San Diego and a Caribbean cruise as highlights, and even Providence (north, but not as far north as she is now). For that, we are lucky – no…fortunate. Create and do – don’t wait. We didn’t, and will always cherish that.

She departed us bravely, just as she lived. Our home was yours. Her table or couch always had an extra seat. Her heart was open and accepting. She helped and served. She loved and learned. Many say hers was a difficult life given the obstacles and challenges she faced. I say her life was exemplary because she showed us how it can be done.

‘What’s next?’ is a manta of mine.  Right now, I don’t know. I just know I was given the soul, the power, the enlightenment, the courage and the drive…and, whatever is what’s next, it will be because of Mom. For that…no words.

Ever forward…

AFTERWORD

Thank you to so many I may have overlooked thanking.

If anyone can provide this blog/note, and an immensity of gratitude to Dr. Richard Thomas, and nurses Zeke and Riley at the Hannibal, Missouri Regional Hospital ER, please share it. If ever grace was present, it was in Dr. Thomas’ words and deeds. I have met many people in this world, and some Earth angels. Never like him. Beyond measure. Heavenly. Thank you for loving my mom as so much more than a patient.